So, I try harder to make sure that I live my life in such a way that no one can say anything about me. No one can ask me why my yard has brown spots (because I didn't get the leaves raked off it before it snowed). No one can tell me that the city is going to send me a letter if that car that hasn't moved in 10 days doesn't move soon. No one can ask me why my flowers look dry, why I don't have curtains on my windows or why my picnic table is only half painted. Yes, people have really said these things to me, this is life in a small town.
I told my husband that sometimes I long for the days when I was a stay-at-home mom and I only talked to one or two outside people a day, if that. I long for the days when I wore sweatpants and didn't do my hair. Ever. When I could go uptown in complete anonymity and no one knew who I was or what I did, so no one talked to me. Or if they did, they confused me with another life long resident so they really weren't talking to me. When I started working outside the home we had lived here four years and people asked me if I was new to town.
I now work in a very public place. I belong to clubs, am on committees, and participate in my church, I'm everywhere! And people know me. They know my kids. They kind of know my husband, but I am the public face of my family. In a recent rant, that was laced with humor to hide the hurt, I told my family how they had it easy, the kids go off to school and live in their bubble, dealing with the same people every day and not interacting with the public. My husband works in a nearby town and really doesn't interact with people in the town, just those at work. They are protected. Shielded. By me. I'm at the post office, the grocery store, the pharmacy, and work where people feel free to comment on where my lawnmower is parked, how I rake my leaves, what's on my porch to what they saw my kids doing at work, at school or in the parking lot after the game.
Don't get me wrong, I want to know if my kids are misbehaving so we can correct it, but why does it feel like only my kids misbehave?
It's getting to me though. To the point that it's affecting how I parent, how I deal with my husband and now, even how I do my job. Enough! The only being that I should allow to have that much control over my life is God. I need to let His truth work in and through my life. I should care more about what HE says about my husband, than what my yard says. I should care more about what HE says about my hair than the neighbor. I should dwell on HIS truths, HIS love, and my eternity with HIM to the point that I don't even notice all this other noise.
My sister, who knows me better than anyone, saw this coming years ago and gave me a book titled, "When People are Big, and God is Small". I knew she was right, but I struggled with the book. I'm not a great nonfiction reader and it didn't grab me, but last night I dug that book out of my desk drawer and I'm committed to reading it. I want to know what I can do to change my focus. I need to take my quiet time more seriously and meditate on God's word all day, not just during that time. When people talk to me, I want it to come through a filter of scripture. I want to be so confidant in God's plan for my life that I don't worry about the impact of others on that plan. I'm committed to becoming so saturated with God that others just pour over me and don't stick. I'm committed to making God big in my life.
