I don't make New Year's Resolutions as a rule, but in looking over the past few months, I would like to be more content in 2011. The writer of Hebrews says, "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' " (Hebrews 13:5) Shouldn't it be enough that we have God with us always? Why do I always want more?
This is not a new struggle for me, in February of 2004 I made this note in my Bible next to Phillippians 4:11&12-"I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
I want to learn the secret. I want to apply it to my life daily and be able to say with confidence, 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Then on June 12, 2005 I have written a note next to these verses from 1 Timothy 6:6-8, "But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."
Sometimes food and clothes are what I struggle to buy. What am I using that money on that I don't need to?
I want to be content with what I have. I don't want to always be striving for me. I want to be content, but I have excuses. If I could just go to the grocery store without adding every item up as I go, then I could be content. If my checkbook always had a positive balance, then I could be content. If my guys would only pick up the house, then I could be content. If my office and closet were perfectly organized and not so messy, then I would be content. If it wasn't just a struggle to pay bills every month, then I could be content.
Yesterday, I realized I'm sabotaging myself on some things. Since I am not currently working a steady job and am home, I've felt a little lost some days. I feel lazy if I watch more than one movie in a day or if I watch too much TV on HULU, but honestly, I don't know what to do with myself. When I stayed home when my kids were young, I always had projects I was doing so I thought I needed to get back to that. I started subscribing to craft blogs and looking through magazines for ideas. But, you know what? All those projects and ideas take money and since I am only working sub jobs while I go back to school, there is no extra money and that was making me discontent. There were all these things I wanted to make but I had no supplies and then I would would wander the craft stores and come up with more great ideas, but couldn't buy anything to do them! As of today, I have unsubscribed from those craft blogs.
The other thing that was stressing me out and making me discontent with my family was all those great storage tip and organization ideas you see this time of year. I live in a house where I am the only girl. Men are messy. My men especially. Part of this is my own fault. I grew up with a mother and father that were both neat freaks. I don't remember my house ever being dusty or messy growing up. I also felt nagged all the time and that having a clean house controlled our lives in some ways, so I swore I'd never be that way. Unfortunately, I never realized how badly I wanted it that way. I think it's part of my personality. I feel my life is more in control if my house is clean. (Which looking back, that is probably how my mom felt too.) I fight a constant battle against my pack rat husband. And oldest son. And youngest son. And my middle son who used to be cleaner until he entered puberty. I also have a son that is diabetic, asthmatic, celiac and has kidney complications, I have a husband that has started using his VA benefits more extensively. We have two insurance plans, are on the Medically Handicapped Children's Program and VA benefits, I will have more paperwork than the average person! This morning, I unsubscribed from the Better Homes and Gardens e-mails. If I see one more perfectly organized closet, bedroom, or office area I might go stark raving mad!
I think, the lesson I've learned over these past two weeks is that I have to keep my eyes on God to be content. I can't let my focus shift onto the world. My house will never look like a photo shoot for Better Homes and Gardens (although, when I try to make a point of what I expect a room to look like, I do tell the boys I want it "Better Homes and Gardens Perfect"). I did not marry a guy that has a four year degree. I don't have a four year degree (yet!). We will not make too much more than we are right now. God will still provide for us. We may never have the home we would like or take that Hawaiian vacation, but God can give us new dreams if we let him. I think the writer of Hebrews had it right, "be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' " God is all we should ever need.
